10 minute trainer....take 1.

So, tomorrow I am starting a 4 week body makeover (hahaha) program called 10 minute trainer. It is by the guy who created P90X. The main idea is he super stacks the exercises to work multiple areas of the body at one time. There are five 10 minute workouts. It came with a calendar. The point is to do 3 of them on most days (some only have 1 or 2) but at least do the first one listed on that day. Coupled with a "diet" of watching portions and fat/carb intake and AMAZING results are supposed to happen....hahaha. I am not thinking my body is going to drastically change between now and this time next month but I am hoping to see some improvements. I would like to lose 10-15 pounds in this month. That might seem high but I have gained a lot back that I lost earlier this year and I really think by being disciplined in my eating and workout habits the first bit should fall off pretty easy (for lack of a better word...being disciplined in my eating is not my strongest area!!). My goal is to do whatever he has listed on the calendar whether 1,2, or 3 workouts. However, I know I am not perfect so success for me would be do go the whole 4 weeks with doing at least the first one listed like he says to do. I am kind of nervous. 10 minutes for an entire workout seems like no time at all which means it is probably gonna be hard....he created P90X which I have been told is really hard so I am expecting to be sore. Hopefully I can hold out to day 3 when only a Yoga stretch workout is called for. :) The program also came with a resistance band, a cardio belt, and cards you can take with you to do a workout when you don't have a DVD player. I have no excuses! Time cannot be an excuse! 10 minutes!! I have to find that sometime in my day. I am waking up early to do my devotion each day so my alarm will be set a bit earlier to make sure I get my workout in before the children wake up (which Ella has been sleeping in lately which I love!!). I am going to have Mark take before and after pictures (don't worry...those will NOT be published) as well as measurements in the morning. I am really excited. I feel like this is going to work....I want and need it to work, even if it is just getting me on the right track to something more later. I am really pumped about my sister trip to Branson and want to not hate myself next to my incredibly skinnier sister! :) I love her....but she got the good genes! :) I used to have the height but I am shrinking so I don't even have that now! hahaha! Oh well, God made me and in His eyes I am just how I am supposed to be! I will update on my progress! Keep me accountable if you think about it!

It has been awhile.....

Sorry I haven't blogged for awhile. Things have been crazy and I haven't been very good. So those are my two reasons. I didn't want to have to admit in writing that I have screwed up yet again! Luckily I have a God who is used to my screw ups and loves me anyway. He definitely wants me to be better and with His help conquer those things that keep me from a more intimate relationship with Him but He is patient and for that I am very grateful!

Mark has been extreme garage selling (my name for it) the past week and a half which is why things have been so crazy. Midnight runs to get stuff off a curb alert. Bargaining with people off Craigslist to get them to take his "low ball" offers. He is like on a high. I love seeing him like this. He really gets into it. Our garage looks crazy! Last Friday and Saturday we sold over 700 worth of stuff when Mark only put 55 (plus gas money) into it. I call that successful! Then this Tuesday he was just pulling stuff out of the garage to straighten up and organize and people kept stopping and he sold another 196!! God is so good! We are having another sale this Friday and Saturday and are looking forward to saving more for Mark's tuition. He plans on doing this as much this summer as possible. He really cracks me up. I am proud for how hard he is working and being creative in helping his family. I love him. Today is his birthday and I am very thankful for God bringing him into the world and letting our paths cross. He really is a wonderful gift from God! I hope he feels the same about me. :)

We ate cake for breakfast....nough said. Tomorrow is a new day. I did workout on my spin bike yesterday and plan to again today. I just need to make sure I am active everyday somehow and start to watch what I eat more. I will get past this...I just have to have patience and not expect to lose 10 pounds from one day of smart choices. We live in a society that wants immediate results and that is how I feel about weight loss too....but it isn't like that. I have realized that I am not beating myself up NEARLY as bad as I was. I think I am really growing there. Now, when I get a VS swimsuit magazine in the mail that is a different story but I am improving so I give God the glory for that. He is filling my mind with His truths and not the worlds. Well....back to work and then more organizing for tomorrow's big sale! :) ~God bless~

One victory at a time....

So, this weekend was really good. I have implemented my little rules and they seem to be working rather well so far. I went to a birthday/rapture party on Saturday night and boy was I nervous!! There was CAKE!! Not just normal cake.....no, triple chocolate cake...with white chocolate shavings all over it! It looked heavenly.....but I didn't eat any! (even though I was pressured...I stood my ground) :) hehehe.... I did eat in front of the TV....but it wasn't my house and all the adults were in the living room and the kids took over the dining room table so I forgive myself for that one! I have been much more active and find myself doing odd little exercises at random times throughout the day....hey..an extra 5-10 calories here and there will add up!

One really big milestone for me is my attitude in general. I feel more confident even though I still have a long way to go. I went shopping on Saturday afternoon because my amazing husband gave me a few hours to myself....I tried on several dresses and tops, etc and even though I didn't like the way a lot of them looked on me, I wasn't bashing myself in my head like I normally do and I didn't leave wanting to eat a whole carton of ice cream...which is odd for me! I just felt God's presence with me telling me I was beautiful to Him...makes a big difference in my mind. I took that as a huge victory.

I still need to work on my "I feel bored, let's eat" mentality I have every now and then. I haven't focused much on what I am eating yet...I know that will come soon. I am really trying to eat until I feel full and stop. Not watching TV or working on my computer really helps me know when to stop....it is a hard habit to break but each choice I make is one more victory or compromise....I am shooting for many more victories!!

Thank you......I think.

So, I asked God to unsettle me, and well...He did. I know it is for my own good but when I look at all the things He has brought to my attention lately that need to be "fixed", I get a little overwhelmed. Ok, that is a lie...I get REALLY overwhelmed. I was blessed to get the chance to read Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst. A side note here...if you have anything that gets in your way of craving God above all things (not just food) you should read this book. It has been a real eye opener and I have never read a book where I felt like it was my words on the page. Thoughts that I thought I was the only one who had ever had. It is truly a great book and I have learned so much. One thing Lysa talks about is asking God to unsettle her. This is no small request. I admit, I was not ready for what God was going to show me. I still am not sure if I am. All I do know is that I have to change. I am going to focus writing about my eating and exercise habits but there is SO much more. From my parenting style, respecting my husband, working for the Lord; you name it, I probably need to let God fix it in my life. I am thankful for God showing me these things and am totally leaning on Him to help me walk through this very bumpy road. But back to the food/exercise piece.

I truly believe I have an eating disorder. It is one that you don't really hear much about because I do not starve myself nor do I make myself "lose" my food after I eat. I do however, binge just without the purge. This is hard to admit and really embarassing but I know that accountablilty for my actions and prayer from those who want to support me is what I need to really make a change in my life. I am an emotional eater...that might be a better way of saying it rather than disorder, but nonetheless. I eat when I am happy, stressed, worried, scared, mad, etc. And I am not talking about an extra cookie or piece of cake....I am talking about a whole package or oreas in one sitting....or a whole bag or lindt chocolates (these are from recent incidents). I have allowed food to be what I run to when things get tough...not God and that really makes me sad to admit. I have been convicted of this for quite some time. It seems everyday I say "Tomorrow I will start over...one more day isn't going to kill me". Even though it might not physically kill me, it is killing me inside. It is making me disgusted with myself and angry which just makes me want to eat more. It is a vicious cycle. Really...it is the cycle of any addiction. Food, shopping, drinking, porn, etc...the list could go on and on of what people can place as their go to idol. This trickles down into every facet of my life...when I am angry and upset at myself it comes out to my kids, my husband, my friends. I try to put on a happy face when inside I feel like I am drowning. Not anymore....

I am not delivered by no means. This will be a daily struggle. I have however found hope and God has shown me the way out. Only through His grace and His power will I ever be able to beat this. Lysa in her book wrote something that REALLy stuck out to me. She writes" So, the very next choice I make is a crucial one. Literally, it will determine if I am walking the path of victory or compromise." It is not about yesterday's choice or last weeks choice, or even the choice I made 5 minutes ago...it is the next one. I can choose to obey Christ, lean on Him for strength, or I can compromise my relationship with Him and allow an idol to come between us. That really hit me hard. How many times have I hurt my relationship with God by allowing something else to take His place. The place He sacrificed His Son for. Ouch. My goal is to remember that every time I am tempted to run to food instead of Jesus. Psalms 73:26 says "My flesh and my heart may fail (more like will fail) , but God is the strength of my heart and my PORTION forever." He is my portion of happiness, affirmation, love, respect, etc every day. Not food, not another person, not (fill in the blank). God is....I just need to let Him be!

So, today I decided I am going to begin making the right choice. I know I am not perfect but I believe victory is mine for the taking if I allow God to be my portion each day. If I allow Him to keep unsettling me and showing me areas of my life that need to be laid at His feet. I have made a few rules I am going to follow because I need a plan. 1) No eating in front of the TV or my computer at work...if I am not hungry enough to eat at the table, then I am not really hungry. 2)No sweets....this is for a season but right now I can not be trusted to take a few bites and stop...so I am not going to allow that temptation into my life until I can. 3)Aim for at least 30 min of activity everyday however I can make that happen. 4) I have "go-to" scripts to replace the lies Satan has filled my head with when I am tempted or lose hope....quote those as needed and spend time with the Lord everyday. Those are my "rules" I am trying to see them as lifestyle changes instead of rules because when I reach my goal weight I cannot revert back to my bad habits. Here are some stats...again embarassing....
Weight 167.8 goal 145
Fat % (according to my digital scale...not sure the accuracy) 28.8
Chest 37in
Waist 32.5
Hips 41.5
I have also measured my thighs and arms but I will just keep you updated on total inches lost.... :) I already did my Jillian's 30 day shred level 1 workout today....kicked my tail. The plan is to weigh in every Friday and measure and see some progress. :) For those who will be willing to pray for me, I would covet those prayers. This is a really hard issue for me and embarassing as it is to put it out there....it had to be done as a step to recovery and freedom from this stronghold Satan has had me in for so long. It took me years to get this way so I know it will take time to reverse the damage. Keep me accountable. Please.

Will I ever just slow down??

So gall bladder surgery went well last week. Sherrie, Ella and I got there at 7 like I was told and I got to go back with the nurse around 8-8:15. They did some pre-op stuff and said that my surgeon was finishing up a surgery and I should get started by 9-9:30. I can't remember exactly when I went back because I didn't have contacts or glasses on but I believe they were pretty close.....then I woke up at 11:15ish....was given pain medicine and once I was fully awake I was given the door....hahaha. I was totally out of there by like 12 or 12:15!! The gas they used to blow up my belly was what really hurt. Strangest thing....it would get stuck up in my collarbone and right shoulder blade and hurt so so bad! That lasted about 2.5 days. Then the incisions hurt because I stopped taking any type of pain medicine. Lucky for me, Saturday when we drove 3 hours to Arkansas to visit family I was feeling a little better and was able to sleep in more than one position that night. The weekend was very busy and fun, full of family and birthday cake! We stayed till Monday afternoon then headed home for my seminary wives class and to give Mark a few hours to study. Tuesday I played basketball at Bellevue....not my best game to say the least but I was very timid due to still being a little sore and things like running and jumping kind of hurt. :) Why did I play you might ask? Well I LOVE to play and I went for so many years not playing I just didn't want to miss an opportunity! Yesterday was church and tonight I really don't have plans so I am very excited to have a "slow" night! We fill our days up with so much stuff that we forget to be still. We forget to spend time with the Lord and just listen to Him. I struggle with that because I love noise and I love to be doing something. It is hard for me to just sit if I am not watching something either on TV or live. God is working on me in this area to take time to just be still before Him and listen to Him speak to my soul. I find His voice to be the quietest because He desires me to truly listen to Him and only Him. I have to REALLY listen and I want to and I am working on it. I am thankful for his patience and kindness towards me and I hope I can show that same patience and kindness to my family. Let's take some time to slow down and be still before the Lord. You will be blessed by it!

Surgery tomorrow...

So tomorrow is the big day! I finally get my gall bladder removed! It is going to be an early day. My mother in law and I will be leaving the house by 6:30 with Ella : / to be at the surgery center by 7:00. I am glad it is early since I am not allowed to eat or drink after midnight! I am not looking forward to recovery but I am looking forward to no more attacks! They are awful and I wouldn't wish them on anyone. Worst pain ever and I have had 2 kids, 2 broken arms, and several sprains!! Anyway....on another subject I am really screwing up the whole weight loss thing. I keep trying to start over and keep messing up, getting discouraged, and starting again. I can't seem to find my "want to". I have a ton of reasons why I need to lose weight but I can't grasp the motivation to persevere. It is frustrating. I feel like a failure for sure! Mark is doing so well and shows so much discipline but all I can think about is mint oreos! :) It seems once I get a food in my head that I am craving my mind won't stop till I have had it. I hate that about myself. I wish I was one of those people who just eat because they have to. God did not make me that way and I am trying to figure out the plan he has for my struggling with this issue. I guess time will tell as I continue to battle the bulge!

Scared....

To say I am scared is an understatement. In fact, I believe terrified is a better word. What am I so scared of? Stepping on the scale!! It has been over a week since I have weighed in and I have been horrible! I have no self control it seems. I am really not sure what my problem is exactly but I need to get to the bottom of it before my pants explode! I have been reading teh spiritual disciplines book and feel like a failure every time I turn a page. I know there is so much more I can and need to be doing for my husband, kids, and myself but more importantly, for my God! One part I just read was about stewardship....of our time and money. One area talked about our bodies and how as humans we are pulled toward sloth, gluttany, and lack of self control. The author stated to not be disciplined with our bodies was equal to serving evil rather than God. That really slapped me in the face. I do not want to serve evil at all!! I know I am a sinner and I will fail but I do not want to SERVE evil. I want to serve God! I decided I need help getting to the bottom of these strong holds I am facing in my life. I joined a care group at Bellevue for women only who are dealing with strong holds. I am very excited to have a group of women to come along side me as God works in my life. I will have to miss the first Wednesday (4th) due to my surgery on the 3rd unless I am just feeling amazing......but hopefully on the 11th I will get to jump in full force! It is odd sometimes...I can tell there are things holding me back and reasons why I seem to have no self control but I can't seem to put my finger on it. I think I have it figured out and given to God only to turn around and fail again for another reason. Lord, help me to give you the chains that bind me 100% now and for the rest of my life...Amen!

One thing or another

So, I had my consultation today regarding my gall bladder surgery. We set a date for May 3rd. Two weeks from today. I am excited and dreading it at the same time. Having two little ones and trying to "rest and recover" will probably be a hard task but I have the help of my amazing Mother in Law who is coming up on Monday night to take me so Mark doesn't have to miss class. It is going to a quick surgery and I should get to go home a few hours after I get out. I plan on doing a lot of sleeping Tuesday and hopefully Wednesday and then back to work Thursday! I also had my Dexa (sp?) scan on Monday for osteoporosis...I know I know, I am only 26 but I have shrunk 2.5 inches and that just isn't right at any age! The "pre" ankle test showed bone loss which it shouldn't given my age and overall health. That is why I had further testing done to see how much damage I have on my spine and hips. I should get those results via mail within two weeks and I guess it will tell me what to do from here. I have a basketball game tonight that I am very much looking forward to as it is one of my ways to heal and feel better with life in general. I wish I could play everyday! However, I wouldn't be much of a mom or wife if I spent all my time in a gym....one night a week is enough. I guess :)

I have been reading the spiritual disciplines of a Christian life for my Monday night seminary wives's class and it is really kicking my tail! I started reading yesterday about the discipline of serving....ouch! How often do I get discouraged or even upset when I do something for someone and don't receive any type of credit for it? I tend to feel unloved and unappreciated fairly easily and God is using this book and His word to show me that my completeness and appreciation comes from Him and Him alone. Since we are of the flesh, people are always going to let me down or disappoint...that is sin. God is the only one who will never disappoint and will always be there loving me and thinking I am awesome! I mean after all, He thought I was worth sending Jesus to die on a cross for my sins....how can I not feel loved and "worth it"?? Thank you Jesus for this truth and I pray that I will keep it ever on my mind, especially when I feel unnoticed or under appreciated.

And so it begins.....again

Today is the start of not only a new week but also a new lifestyle at the Williams' house. Mark has been on a diet since last Thursday but today I joined in on the fun. :) When I got pregnant last month I had in my mind that I would have 9 months or eating whatever I wanted...at least that is how it went with my first two kiddos. So I had that mentality when we lost our baby and I had to work out of it.....so I am back on the weight loss wagon. Sad to say when I weighed this morning I was 169.8...went up some from before the pregnancy so I am going to have to make up this week if I am going to meet my goal of 150 by June 2nd....I sure hope I can make it! I am also trying to figure out a time where I can fit in a run so I can train for a 5k (don't know which one yet). Mark's schedule doesn't give me many options and I am just not sure I can do it at 6 am... :) We shall see I guess. I know I need to fit it in somewhere...it would be much easier if I had a treadmill in my house. Working on that one. =) I have been doing a Jean Stockdale bible study on Proverbs and am in the 3rd week now. I love Proverbs. There is such great wisdom in that book..not that there isn't in all of God's word, but for every day tidbits of wisdom, Proverbs is the place to go. One thing that really caught my eye today in my study was how important making my home a place to "hang out" is. Not only will it allow me to keep a closer eye on my kiddos but it will give me the chance to love on other children as well as maybe help point some to Christ. I made that my goal today that as my kids get older I want them to feel comfortable inviting people over and not only that but want to! I know I have a few years to go on that one but it gives me time to work on it!

A new day...

So, this past week or so has been rough dealing with our miscarriage as well as several other things that have creeped up on us. Monday I went to have my final blood draw to make sure my hormones have come back down to zero, which they have. At that appointment I talked to my doctor about how I have shrunk since high school. I played basketball and they would announce our heights at the start of each game so at the beginning of the year we were measured. I was a good 5 9.5 (we always rounded up to 5 10 for games) :) However, if you were to measure me now, I am a flat 5 7!! Can you believe that?!? 2.5 inches in less than 8 years. :( So I got tested for osteoporosis - at 26!! Sure enough, I have bone loss. The test showed either green, yellow, or red. My age and health should put me in the high green area. However I was nicely in the yellow!! I don't have osteoporosis yet but I do have bone loss which is the first stage. I go this coming Monday for a more detailed test that will check my spine, hips, etc instead of just my ankle. I have been told to take 1200-1500 mg of calcium with VD and do weight bearing exercises like walking, etc. Fun fun!! I haven't told Mark this part yet but I am also supposed to cut down on caffeine and salt....two things that I LOVE!! Not sure when I will make that change. :) I am also trying to get back on the weight loss wagon. Both of my previous pregnancies I was able to eat whatever I wanted and still didn't gain but 10 pounds or so....I already had in my head before the miscarriage that I would get to spend the next 9 months enjoying whatever I wanted....not the case anymore and I am having a hard time adjusting. I don't seem to have motivation. I know I need to especially with the bone loss and having to get my gallbladder out soon too. I have thought about training for a race. At first I thought half marathon but I think that is pushing it a bit.....maybe a 5k first and move up from there. I am going to do a little research. My idea was to run a race in honor of our little baby we won't get to meet until we get to heaven. I thought that might give me the motivation to push through but I need 100% support from my hubby which I haven't gotten yet....we shall see what happens. Anyway, that is all I have for now. I am trying to focus on Jesus through all of these trials and know that He has a plan. Satan is really pressing my thoughts and trying to get me off course....but just like the mercy me song Move says....this burden is getting heavy, but I'm not about to cave...things are gonna change....there's gonna be brighter days!

When we don't understand....

Tragedy hit our home Tuesday morning when after a visit to the doctor and some blood work we were told we were in the midst of a miscarriage. Neither Mark nor myself have really suffered a loss like this before. My great grandmother died a few years ago but she was elderly and sick so it was kind of expected. It wasn't easy, but I understood what was going on. This is a different story. Just as we were shocked to find out we were pregnant, we were shocked to learn we were no longer going to be bringing a new baby home in November. This has been the toughest couple of days of my life I do believe. However, I can say with all sincerity that God is still good. He has a plan and I have to trust it. Not only that I want to trust it. If I didn't I would be plagued with anger and questions. I surprised myself; I am sad but I feel extreme peace. God has brought to my attention many scriptures like Ps 61 and 1 Thes 5:18 that tells us to give thanks in all circumstances. We will get through this and I know it will take time but eventually I won't be so sad anymore. Different things bring tears to my eyes. I saw my first obviously pregnant lady yesterday and just started crying. Over the next months as I think about how far along I would be had this not happened, I am sure I will be filled with sadness and tears. Luckily I might not understand but I serve a God who does who is holding me closer than I could ever have imagined during this time. Mark has been wonderful during this tragedy and even though I know he is hurting too he is being the rock I need. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers during this time. We covet them. I am comforted to know that I will see him/her someday for God's word says he knew us even in the womb. I have asked God to give him/her a hug from me and let them know I look forward to the day I get to hug them myself.

Suprise Suprise!

Well, it has been a pretty eventful week or so. We closed on our house Thursday and moved everything last Friday. I then had to drive to Arkansas with the kiddos to check on our rental property and leave keys for our new residents. On top of all of that, last Monday we found out we are expecting baby number 3 sometime around Thanksgiving. Surprise!! This was not planned or expected but we are looking at it as a blessing. We have a wonderful new house with space and a yard. Ella is going to be starting to stay home with me starting Monday. I am a little nervous about this but am looking forward to getting to spend more time with her and help mold her and shape her into the young lady God wants her to be. I guess I need to change this blog...maybe to something more about my journey as a mother, wife, and a growing Christian. Going from 2-3 really scares me so I need a lot of prayer! :) Let the journey begin!

Update...it has been too long

Well...I decided since I now have a follower (thanks Emily!) that I should post an update :) I had been doing really good on my diet and exercise plan up until the last couple of days. I was taking Adipex to help control my appetite and God really worked on my heart that I needed to be doing this out of my own discipline and not something man made. I decided I would give it a try and gave it up for Lent. I did well up until Sunday. I am an emotional eater and have been for as long as I can remember so when I have really any emotion I want to eat. I have been stressed and sad and I ate...too much :) God is teaching me through this that I really need to turn to Him not only when I am stressed and sad but ALL the time. I am back on the wagon today and am really looking forward to my first basketball practice tonight at Bellevue. I haven't played in 5.5 years and I have missed it very much! So, I haven't weighed since Saturday (before the fall) but here are my latest stats: weight 162.6, fat % 27.4, chest 37 waist 36.25 and hips 40.5. I normally measure at the largest part of those body parts so I think what defines my actual waist is smaller....but I wanted to see changes from the larger areas :) Total I am down 20.7 lbs, and 19.5 inches. My goal is 150 which is what I was on my wedding day.....less than 13 pounds to go :) Here is a pic....man time flies!

A new day

Well, I did fail today....again. I did however take a big step today. I ordered a BodyFit armband (as seen on The Biggest Loser). I overnight shipped it so I should get it tomorrow. I am going to use this to see how many calories I actually consume each day. I am going to partner it with weight watchers which has been a program I have done well on before. This way, I won't have to guess at how many calories I burn. I will also know how I am sleeping. It measures not only the time you lay down but also how well you sleep during that time. I don't feel like I am sleeping well so maybe this will prove it and I can see improvement over time. I am super pumped. I think this will give me the motivation I need to stay in a deficit on my calories. I also have a vibration machine that I would really like to know how many calories I actually burn while using it. It says 600 in 10 minutes but I am almost 100% sure that is totally wrong! I also need to come to terms with my addiction to food. Not only do I love to eat, chew, and indulge but I feel like I deserve it at times. I need to find a new outlet for that. I need to focus more on my relationship with God and my family than food. I need to do a lot of things. Tomorrow starts a new journey for me. One I am hoping will be a change that will last the rest of my life. I can't fail again, I just can't.

Well, I totally failed

I knew I was going to blow it. I am so mad at myself!! I have got to get my act together. I have 127 days to now lose 25 pounds...that's right went from 172.6 to 175 overnight!! That is what cheese fries, brownies, and ice cream will do to you. I want to quit, throw in the towel and eat all day. I probably will. Right now I feel like such a failure. I honestly have good intentions. I really want to lose weight but I don't seem to want it as much as food. What is wrong with me? I look at people with addictions and I judge. Not always, but I admit I do sometimes. How can someone drink so much and destroy their family? How can someone hurt their body with crack or other drugs?? Those are the questions that go through my mind when I see an addict. But what about me? I am huring myself, my family, my life by the addiction to food. Why isn't that enough to make me stop? God gave me this body and it is His temple. Why must I destroy it with junk? I don't know. I honestly do not know why I do what I do. As I write this I am thinking about going in the kitchen and eating.....eating eating and eating. I will start tomorrow I say. I have said that a lot. Tomorrow never comes, it is always just today. I have to make that decision to start today. I am not sure I am there. I do know I am running out of time.

Need some accountability

So....I am not a blogger and this is actually kind of scary for me. However, I need some major accountability. So I thought that if I blogged about my journey it would help me stay on track. As I am thinking about what I am going to say I can't believe I am about to give some pretty personal stats. I made a deal with my hubby that if I could get to my goal weight by his birthday (June 2nd) that I would get $500 towards new clothes. I set my goal at what I weighed when we got married in July 2005. So here it goes: Today I am 172.6 lbs :(  and I need to get to 150lbs by June 2nd.
I have always had weight issues. I seem to have no discipline at all!! I love to eat and once a food thought gets into my head, it is like I have to eat it! I hate this part of myself. It makes me depressed and angry. I literally make myself sick when I think about all the binges I have went on. In fact, today hasn't been a very good day. I make a pretty healthy turkey bacon, poached egg, and cheese sandwhich this morning and it was really tasty. However, I started thinking of a pb&j and ended up eating one!! Why?!?? Normally, when I mess up on my diet I end up throwing the rest of the day away. I cannot keep doing that!! I have to stay on track and lose this weight. It will not only help me revamp my clothes, but it will help me be a better wife and mother. That needs to be my #1 priority, to be better at the roles God has given me.
My goal today is to not mess up my diet anymore. I also need to try to find time to be active and not just sit on the couch. I will check back in tomorrow and see where I am at and how I did! :)