One victory at a time....

So, this weekend was really good. I have implemented my little rules and they seem to be working rather well so far. I went to a birthday/rapture party on Saturday night and boy was I nervous!! There was CAKE!! Not just normal cake.....no, triple chocolate cake...with white chocolate shavings all over it! It looked heavenly.....but I didn't eat any! (even though I was pressured...I stood my ground) :) hehehe.... I did eat in front of the TV....but it wasn't my house and all the adults were in the living room and the kids took over the dining room table so I forgive myself for that one! I have been much more active and find myself doing odd little exercises at random times throughout the day....hey..an extra 5-10 calories here and there will add up!

One really big milestone for me is my attitude in general. I feel more confident even though I still have a long way to go. I went shopping on Saturday afternoon because my amazing husband gave me a few hours to myself....I tried on several dresses and tops, etc and even though I didn't like the way a lot of them looked on me, I wasn't bashing myself in my head like I normally do and I didn't leave wanting to eat a whole carton of ice cream...which is odd for me! I just felt God's presence with me telling me I was beautiful to Him...makes a big difference in my mind. I took that as a huge victory.

I still need to work on my "I feel bored, let's eat" mentality I have every now and then. I haven't focused much on what I am eating yet...I know that will come soon. I am really trying to eat until I feel full and stop. Not watching TV or working on my computer really helps me know when to stop....it is a hard habit to break but each choice I make is one more victory or compromise....I am shooting for many more victories!!

Thank you......I think.

So, I asked God to unsettle me, and well...He did. I know it is for my own good but when I look at all the things He has brought to my attention lately that need to be "fixed", I get a little overwhelmed. Ok, that is a lie...I get REALLY overwhelmed. I was blessed to get the chance to read Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst. A side note here...if you have anything that gets in your way of craving God above all things (not just food) you should read this book. It has been a real eye opener and I have never read a book where I felt like it was my words on the page. Thoughts that I thought I was the only one who had ever had. It is truly a great book and I have learned so much. One thing Lysa talks about is asking God to unsettle her. This is no small request. I admit, I was not ready for what God was going to show me. I still am not sure if I am. All I do know is that I have to change. I am going to focus writing about my eating and exercise habits but there is SO much more. From my parenting style, respecting my husband, working for the Lord; you name it, I probably need to let God fix it in my life. I am thankful for God showing me these things and am totally leaning on Him to help me walk through this very bumpy road. But back to the food/exercise piece.

I truly believe I have an eating disorder. It is one that you don't really hear much about because I do not starve myself nor do I make myself "lose" my food after I eat. I do however, binge just without the purge. This is hard to admit and really embarassing but I know that accountablilty for my actions and prayer from those who want to support me is what I need to really make a change in my life. I am an emotional eater...that might be a better way of saying it rather than disorder, but nonetheless. I eat when I am happy, stressed, worried, scared, mad, etc. And I am not talking about an extra cookie or piece of cake....I am talking about a whole package or oreas in one sitting....or a whole bag or lindt chocolates (these are from recent incidents). I have allowed food to be what I run to when things get tough...not God and that really makes me sad to admit. I have been convicted of this for quite some time. It seems everyday I say "Tomorrow I will start over...one more day isn't going to kill me". Even though it might not physically kill me, it is killing me inside. It is making me disgusted with myself and angry which just makes me want to eat more. It is a vicious cycle. Really...it is the cycle of any addiction. Food, shopping, drinking, porn, etc...the list could go on and on of what people can place as their go to idol. This trickles down into every facet of my life...when I am angry and upset at myself it comes out to my kids, my husband, my friends. I try to put on a happy face when inside I feel like I am drowning. Not anymore....

I am not delivered by no means. This will be a daily struggle. I have however found hope and God has shown me the way out. Only through His grace and His power will I ever be able to beat this. Lysa in her book wrote something that REALLy stuck out to me. She writes" So, the very next choice I make is a crucial one. Literally, it will determine if I am walking the path of victory or compromise." It is not about yesterday's choice or last weeks choice, or even the choice I made 5 minutes ago...it is the next one. I can choose to obey Christ, lean on Him for strength, or I can compromise my relationship with Him and allow an idol to come between us. That really hit me hard. How many times have I hurt my relationship with God by allowing something else to take His place. The place He sacrificed His Son for. Ouch. My goal is to remember that every time I am tempted to run to food instead of Jesus. Psalms 73:26 says "My flesh and my heart may fail (more like will fail) , but God is the strength of my heart and my PORTION forever." He is my portion of happiness, affirmation, love, respect, etc every day. Not food, not another person, not (fill in the blank). God is....I just need to let Him be!

So, today I decided I am going to begin making the right choice. I know I am not perfect but I believe victory is mine for the taking if I allow God to be my portion each day. If I allow Him to keep unsettling me and showing me areas of my life that need to be laid at His feet. I have made a few rules I am going to follow because I need a plan. 1) No eating in front of the TV or my computer at work...if I am not hungry enough to eat at the table, then I am not really hungry. 2)No sweets....this is for a season but right now I can not be trusted to take a few bites and stop...so I am not going to allow that temptation into my life until I can. 3)Aim for at least 30 min of activity everyday however I can make that happen. 4) I have "go-to" scripts to replace the lies Satan has filled my head with when I am tempted or lose hope....quote those as needed and spend time with the Lord everyday. Those are my "rules" I am trying to see them as lifestyle changes instead of rules because when I reach my goal weight I cannot revert back to my bad habits. Here are some stats...again embarassing....
Weight 167.8 goal 145
Fat % (according to my digital scale...not sure the accuracy) 28.8
Chest 37in
Waist 32.5
Hips 41.5
I have also measured my thighs and arms but I will just keep you updated on total inches lost.... :) I already did my Jillian's 30 day shred level 1 workout today....kicked my tail. The plan is to weigh in every Friday and measure and see some progress. :) For those who will be willing to pray for me, I would covet those prayers. This is a really hard issue for me and embarassing as it is to put it out there....it had to be done as a step to recovery and freedom from this stronghold Satan has had me in for so long. It took me years to get this way so I know it will take time to reverse the damage. Keep me accountable. Please.

Will I ever just slow down??

So gall bladder surgery went well last week. Sherrie, Ella and I got there at 7 like I was told and I got to go back with the nurse around 8-8:15. They did some pre-op stuff and said that my surgeon was finishing up a surgery and I should get started by 9-9:30. I can't remember exactly when I went back because I didn't have contacts or glasses on but I believe they were pretty close.....then I woke up at 11:15ish....was given pain medicine and once I was fully awake I was given the door....hahaha. I was totally out of there by like 12 or 12:15!! The gas they used to blow up my belly was what really hurt. Strangest thing....it would get stuck up in my collarbone and right shoulder blade and hurt so so bad! That lasted about 2.5 days. Then the incisions hurt because I stopped taking any type of pain medicine. Lucky for me, Saturday when we drove 3 hours to Arkansas to visit family I was feeling a little better and was able to sleep in more than one position that night. The weekend was very busy and fun, full of family and birthday cake! We stayed till Monday afternoon then headed home for my seminary wives class and to give Mark a few hours to study. Tuesday I played basketball at Bellevue....not my best game to say the least but I was very timid due to still being a little sore and things like running and jumping kind of hurt. :) Why did I play you might ask? Well I LOVE to play and I went for so many years not playing I just didn't want to miss an opportunity! Yesterday was church and tonight I really don't have plans so I am very excited to have a "slow" night! We fill our days up with so much stuff that we forget to be still. We forget to spend time with the Lord and just listen to Him. I struggle with that because I love noise and I love to be doing something. It is hard for me to just sit if I am not watching something either on TV or live. God is working on me in this area to take time to just be still before Him and listen to Him speak to my soul. I find His voice to be the quietest because He desires me to truly listen to Him and only Him. I have to REALLY listen and I want to and I am working on it. I am thankful for his patience and kindness towards me and I hope I can show that same patience and kindness to my family. Let's take some time to slow down and be still before the Lord. You will be blessed by it!

Surgery tomorrow...

So tomorrow is the big day! I finally get my gall bladder removed! It is going to be an early day. My mother in law and I will be leaving the house by 6:30 with Ella : / to be at the surgery center by 7:00. I am glad it is early since I am not allowed to eat or drink after midnight! I am not looking forward to recovery but I am looking forward to no more attacks! They are awful and I wouldn't wish them on anyone. Worst pain ever and I have had 2 kids, 2 broken arms, and several sprains!! Anyway....on another subject I am really screwing up the whole weight loss thing. I keep trying to start over and keep messing up, getting discouraged, and starting again. I can't seem to find my "want to". I have a ton of reasons why I need to lose weight but I can't grasp the motivation to persevere. It is frustrating. I feel like a failure for sure! Mark is doing so well and shows so much discipline but all I can think about is mint oreos! :) It seems once I get a food in my head that I am craving my mind won't stop till I have had it. I hate that about myself. I wish I was one of those people who just eat because they have to. God did not make me that way and I am trying to figure out the plan he has for my struggling with this issue. I guess time will tell as I continue to battle the bulge!