A new day

Well, I did fail today....again. I did however take a big step today. I ordered a BodyFit armband (as seen on The Biggest Loser). I overnight shipped it so I should get it tomorrow. I am going to use this to see how many calories I actually consume each day. I am going to partner it with weight watchers which has been a program I have done well on before. This way, I won't have to guess at how many calories I burn. I will also know how I am sleeping. It measures not only the time you lay down but also how well you sleep during that time. I don't feel like I am sleeping well so maybe this will prove it and I can see improvement over time. I am super pumped. I think this will give me the motivation I need to stay in a deficit on my calories. I also have a vibration machine that I would really like to know how many calories I actually burn while using it. It says 600 in 10 minutes but I am almost 100% sure that is totally wrong! I also need to come to terms with my addiction to food. Not only do I love to eat, chew, and indulge but I feel like I deserve it at times. I need to find a new outlet for that. I need to focus more on my relationship with God and my family than food. I need to do a lot of things. Tomorrow starts a new journey for me. One I am hoping will be a change that will last the rest of my life. I can't fail again, I just can't.

Well, I totally failed

I knew I was going to blow it. I am so mad at myself!! I have got to get my act together. I have 127 days to now lose 25 pounds...that's right went from 172.6 to 175 overnight!! That is what cheese fries, brownies, and ice cream will do to you. I want to quit, throw in the towel and eat all day. I probably will. Right now I feel like such a failure. I honestly have good intentions. I really want to lose weight but I don't seem to want it as much as food. What is wrong with me? I look at people with addictions and I judge. Not always, but I admit I do sometimes. How can someone drink so much and destroy their family? How can someone hurt their body with crack or other drugs?? Those are the questions that go through my mind when I see an addict. But what about me? I am huring myself, my family, my life by the addiction to food. Why isn't that enough to make me stop? God gave me this body and it is His temple. Why must I destroy it with junk? I don't know. I honestly do not know why I do what I do. As I write this I am thinking about going in the kitchen and eating.....eating eating and eating. I will start tomorrow I say. I have said that a lot. Tomorrow never comes, it is always just today. I have to make that decision to start today. I am not sure I am there. I do know I am running out of time.

Need some accountability

So....I am not a blogger and this is actually kind of scary for me. However, I need some major accountability. So I thought that if I blogged about my journey it would help me stay on track. As I am thinking about what I am going to say I can't believe I am about to give some pretty personal stats. I made a deal with my hubby that if I could get to my goal weight by his birthday (June 2nd) that I would get $500 towards new clothes. I set my goal at what I weighed when we got married in July 2005. So here it goes: Today I am 172.6 lbs :(  and I need to get to 150lbs by June 2nd.
I have always had weight issues. I seem to have no discipline at all!! I love to eat and once a food thought gets into my head, it is like I have to eat it! I hate this part of myself. It makes me depressed and angry. I literally make myself sick when I think about all the binges I have went on. In fact, today hasn't been a very good day. I make a pretty healthy turkey bacon, poached egg, and cheese sandwhich this morning and it was really tasty. However, I started thinking of a pb&j and ended up eating one!! Why?!?? Normally, when I mess up on my diet I end up throwing the rest of the day away. I cannot keep doing that!! I have to stay on track and lose this weight. It will not only help me revamp my clothes, but it will help me be a better wife and mother. That needs to be my #1 priority, to be better at the roles God has given me.
My goal today is to not mess up my diet anymore. I also need to try to find time to be active and not just sit on the couch. I will check back in tomorrow and see where I am at and how I did! :)