Scared....

To say I am scared is an understatement. In fact, I believe terrified is a better word. What am I so scared of? Stepping on the scale!! It has been over a week since I have weighed in and I have been horrible! I have no self control it seems. I am really not sure what my problem is exactly but I need to get to the bottom of it before my pants explode! I have been reading teh spiritual disciplines book and feel like a failure every time I turn a page. I know there is so much more I can and need to be doing for my husband, kids, and myself but more importantly, for my God! One part I just read was about stewardship....of our time and money. One area talked about our bodies and how as humans we are pulled toward sloth, gluttany, and lack of self control. The author stated to not be disciplined with our bodies was equal to serving evil rather than God. That really slapped me in the face. I do not want to serve evil at all!! I know I am a sinner and I will fail but I do not want to SERVE evil. I want to serve God! I decided I need help getting to the bottom of these strong holds I am facing in my life. I joined a care group at Bellevue for women only who are dealing with strong holds. I am very excited to have a group of women to come along side me as God works in my life. I will have to miss the first Wednesday (4th) due to my surgery on the 3rd unless I am just feeling amazing......but hopefully on the 11th I will get to jump in full force! It is odd sometimes...I can tell there are things holding me back and reasons why I seem to have no self control but I can't seem to put my finger on it. I think I have it figured out and given to God only to turn around and fail again for another reason. Lord, help me to give you the chains that bind me 100% now and for the rest of my life...Amen!

One thing or another

So, I had my consultation today regarding my gall bladder surgery. We set a date for May 3rd. Two weeks from today. I am excited and dreading it at the same time. Having two little ones and trying to "rest and recover" will probably be a hard task but I have the help of my amazing Mother in Law who is coming up on Monday night to take me so Mark doesn't have to miss class. It is going to a quick surgery and I should get to go home a few hours after I get out. I plan on doing a lot of sleeping Tuesday and hopefully Wednesday and then back to work Thursday! I also had my Dexa (sp?) scan on Monday for osteoporosis...I know I know, I am only 26 but I have shrunk 2.5 inches and that just isn't right at any age! The "pre" ankle test showed bone loss which it shouldn't given my age and overall health. That is why I had further testing done to see how much damage I have on my spine and hips. I should get those results via mail within two weeks and I guess it will tell me what to do from here. I have a basketball game tonight that I am very much looking forward to as it is one of my ways to heal and feel better with life in general. I wish I could play everyday! However, I wouldn't be much of a mom or wife if I spent all my time in a gym....one night a week is enough. I guess :)

I have been reading the spiritual disciplines of a Christian life for my Monday night seminary wives's class and it is really kicking my tail! I started reading yesterday about the discipline of serving....ouch! How often do I get discouraged or even upset when I do something for someone and don't receive any type of credit for it? I tend to feel unloved and unappreciated fairly easily and God is using this book and His word to show me that my completeness and appreciation comes from Him and Him alone. Since we are of the flesh, people are always going to let me down or disappoint...that is sin. God is the only one who will never disappoint and will always be there loving me and thinking I am awesome! I mean after all, He thought I was worth sending Jesus to die on a cross for my sins....how can I not feel loved and "worth it"?? Thank you Jesus for this truth and I pray that I will keep it ever on my mind, especially when I feel unnoticed or under appreciated.

And so it begins.....again

Today is the start of not only a new week but also a new lifestyle at the Williams' house. Mark has been on a diet since last Thursday but today I joined in on the fun. :) When I got pregnant last month I had in my mind that I would have 9 months or eating whatever I wanted...at least that is how it went with my first two kiddos. So I had that mentality when we lost our baby and I had to work out of it.....so I am back on the weight loss wagon. Sad to say when I weighed this morning I was 169.8...went up some from before the pregnancy so I am going to have to make up this week if I am going to meet my goal of 150 by June 2nd....I sure hope I can make it! I am also trying to figure out a time where I can fit in a run so I can train for a 5k (don't know which one yet). Mark's schedule doesn't give me many options and I am just not sure I can do it at 6 am... :) We shall see I guess. I know I need to fit it in somewhere...it would be much easier if I had a treadmill in my house. Working on that one. =) I have been doing a Jean Stockdale bible study on Proverbs and am in the 3rd week now. I love Proverbs. There is such great wisdom in that book..not that there isn't in all of God's word, but for every day tidbits of wisdom, Proverbs is the place to go. One thing that really caught my eye today in my study was how important making my home a place to "hang out" is. Not only will it allow me to keep a closer eye on my kiddos but it will give me the chance to love on other children as well as maybe help point some to Christ. I made that my goal today that as my kids get older I want them to feel comfortable inviting people over and not only that but want to! I know I have a few years to go on that one but it gives me time to work on it!

A new day...

So, this past week or so has been rough dealing with our miscarriage as well as several other things that have creeped up on us. Monday I went to have my final blood draw to make sure my hormones have come back down to zero, which they have. At that appointment I talked to my doctor about how I have shrunk since high school. I played basketball and they would announce our heights at the start of each game so at the beginning of the year we were measured. I was a good 5 9.5 (we always rounded up to 5 10 for games) :) However, if you were to measure me now, I am a flat 5 7!! Can you believe that?!? 2.5 inches in less than 8 years. :( So I got tested for osteoporosis - at 26!! Sure enough, I have bone loss. The test showed either green, yellow, or red. My age and health should put me in the high green area. However I was nicely in the yellow!! I don't have osteoporosis yet but I do have bone loss which is the first stage. I go this coming Monday for a more detailed test that will check my spine, hips, etc instead of just my ankle. I have been told to take 1200-1500 mg of calcium with VD and do weight bearing exercises like walking, etc. Fun fun!! I haven't told Mark this part yet but I am also supposed to cut down on caffeine and salt....two things that I LOVE!! Not sure when I will make that change. :) I am also trying to get back on the weight loss wagon. Both of my previous pregnancies I was able to eat whatever I wanted and still didn't gain but 10 pounds or so....I already had in my head before the miscarriage that I would get to spend the next 9 months enjoying whatever I wanted....not the case anymore and I am having a hard time adjusting. I don't seem to have motivation. I know I need to especially with the bone loss and having to get my gallbladder out soon too. I have thought about training for a race. At first I thought half marathon but I think that is pushing it a bit.....maybe a 5k first and move up from there. I am going to do a little research. My idea was to run a race in honor of our little baby we won't get to meet until we get to heaven. I thought that might give me the motivation to push through but I need 100% support from my hubby which I haven't gotten yet....we shall see what happens. Anyway, that is all I have for now. I am trying to focus on Jesus through all of these trials and know that He has a plan. Satan is really pressing my thoughts and trying to get me off course....but just like the mercy me song Move says....this burden is getting heavy, but I'm not about to cave...things are gonna change....there's gonna be brighter days!

When we don't understand....

Tragedy hit our home Tuesday morning when after a visit to the doctor and some blood work we were told we were in the midst of a miscarriage. Neither Mark nor myself have really suffered a loss like this before. My great grandmother died a few years ago but she was elderly and sick so it was kind of expected. It wasn't easy, but I understood what was going on. This is a different story. Just as we were shocked to find out we were pregnant, we were shocked to learn we were no longer going to be bringing a new baby home in November. This has been the toughest couple of days of my life I do believe. However, I can say with all sincerity that God is still good. He has a plan and I have to trust it. Not only that I want to trust it. If I didn't I would be plagued with anger and questions. I surprised myself; I am sad but I feel extreme peace. God has brought to my attention many scriptures like Ps 61 and 1 Thes 5:18 that tells us to give thanks in all circumstances. We will get through this and I know it will take time but eventually I won't be so sad anymore. Different things bring tears to my eyes. I saw my first obviously pregnant lady yesterday and just started crying. Over the next months as I think about how far along I would be had this not happened, I am sure I will be filled with sadness and tears. Luckily I might not understand but I serve a God who does who is holding me closer than I could ever have imagined during this time. Mark has been wonderful during this tragedy and even though I know he is hurting too he is being the rock I need. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers during this time. We covet them. I am comforted to know that I will see him/her someday for God's word says he knew us even in the womb. I have asked God to give him/her a hug from me and let them know I look forward to the day I get to hug them myself.