Thank you......I think.

So, I asked God to unsettle me, and well...He did. I know it is for my own good but when I look at all the things He has brought to my attention lately that need to be "fixed", I get a little overwhelmed. Ok, that is a lie...I get REALLY overwhelmed. I was blessed to get the chance to read Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst. A side note here...if you have anything that gets in your way of craving God above all things (not just food) you should read this book. It has been a real eye opener and I have never read a book where I felt like it was my words on the page. Thoughts that I thought I was the only one who had ever had. It is truly a great book and I have learned so much. One thing Lysa talks about is asking God to unsettle her. This is no small request. I admit, I was not ready for what God was going to show me. I still am not sure if I am. All I do know is that I have to change. I am going to focus writing about my eating and exercise habits but there is SO much more. From my parenting style, respecting my husband, working for the Lord; you name it, I probably need to let God fix it in my life. I am thankful for God showing me these things and am totally leaning on Him to help me walk through this very bumpy road. But back to the food/exercise piece.

I truly believe I have an eating disorder. It is one that you don't really hear much about because I do not starve myself nor do I make myself "lose" my food after I eat. I do however, binge just without the purge. This is hard to admit and really embarassing but I know that accountablilty for my actions and prayer from those who want to support me is what I need to really make a change in my life. I am an emotional eater...that might be a better way of saying it rather than disorder, but nonetheless. I eat when I am happy, stressed, worried, scared, mad, etc. And I am not talking about an extra cookie or piece of cake....I am talking about a whole package or oreas in one sitting....or a whole bag or lindt chocolates (these are from recent incidents). I have allowed food to be what I run to when things get tough...not God and that really makes me sad to admit. I have been convicted of this for quite some time. It seems everyday I say "Tomorrow I will start over...one more day isn't going to kill me". Even though it might not physically kill me, it is killing me inside. It is making me disgusted with myself and angry which just makes me want to eat more. It is a vicious cycle. Really...it is the cycle of any addiction. Food, shopping, drinking, porn, etc...the list could go on and on of what people can place as their go to idol. This trickles down into every facet of my life...when I am angry and upset at myself it comes out to my kids, my husband, my friends. I try to put on a happy face when inside I feel like I am drowning. Not anymore....

I am not delivered by no means. This will be a daily struggle. I have however found hope and God has shown me the way out. Only through His grace and His power will I ever be able to beat this. Lysa in her book wrote something that REALLy stuck out to me. She writes" So, the very next choice I make is a crucial one. Literally, it will determine if I am walking the path of victory or compromise." It is not about yesterday's choice or last weeks choice, or even the choice I made 5 minutes ago...it is the next one. I can choose to obey Christ, lean on Him for strength, or I can compromise my relationship with Him and allow an idol to come between us. That really hit me hard. How many times have I hurt my relationship with God by allowing something else to take His place. The place He sacrificed His Son for. Ouch. My goal is to remember that every time I am tempted to run to food instead of Jesus. Psalms 73:26 says "My flesh and my heart may fail (more like will fail) , but God is the strength of my heart and my PORTION forever." He is my portion of happiness, affirmation, love, respect, etc every day. Not food, not another person, not (fill in the blank). God is....I just need to let Him be!

So, today I decided I am going to begin making the right choice. I know I am not perfect but I believe victory is mine for the taking if I allow God to be my portion each day. If I allow Him to keep unsettling me and showing me areas of my life that need to be laid at His feet. I have made a few rules I am going to follow because I need a plan. 1) No eating in front of the TV or my computer at work...if I am not hungry enough to eat at the table, then I am not really hungry. 2)No sweets....this is for a season but right now I can not be trusted to take a few bites and stop...so I am not going to allow that temptation into my life until I can. 3)Aim for at least 30 min of activity everyday however I can make that happen. 4) I have "go-to" scripts to replace the lies Satan has filled my head with when I am tempted or lose hope....quote those as needed and spend time with the Lord everyday. Those are my "rules" I am trying to see them as lifestyle changes instead of rules because when I reach my goal weight I cannot revert back to my bad habits. Here are some stats...again embarassing....
Weight 167.8 goal 145
Fat % (according to my digital scale...not sure the accuracy) 28.8
Chest 37in
Waist 32.5
Hips 41.5
I have also measured my thighs and arms but I will just keep you updated on total inches lost.... :) I already did my Jillian's 30 day shred level 1 workout today....kicked my tail. The plan is to weigh in every Friday and measure and see some progress. :) For those who will be willing to pray for me, I would covet those prayers. This is a really hard issue for me and embarassing as it is to put it out there....it had to be done as a step to recovery and freedom from this stronghold Satan has had me in for so long. It took me years to get this way so I know it will take time to reverse the damage. Keep me accountable. Please.